My Second Double Mastectomy

So to bring you up to speed….

I had a dub mast on the last leap year – Feb 29th. I had chemo. I had expanders (temporary implants) put in. Every week plastics uses this huge ass needle to inject more fluid in the expander so your skin can grow to accommodate  real implants. I finally had implants put in. The bridge between both implants broke. So I essentially had one huge implant. The highest peak from each boob went straight across; you couldn’t even see my chest plate. I had those implants removed and smaller ones put in. I developed a SUPER RARE (of course) infection called vibrio. You contract vibrio from eating raw shellfish. I have not eaten raw shellfish nor did I put raw shellfish in my boobs. I had surgery to take the implants out and rinse them out from the infection. Then I had a picc line (tube that goes in your vein to IV deliver meds above your heart) installed. The line essentially went from my elbow to around my armpit to just above my heart. It is so gross. I had 3 IV meds through that every day that my bestie had to administer. I went through 3 weeks of that meds and 2 weeks of oral antibiotics. The day I was cleared from the infection to get my last reconstructive surgery, I came home and my shirt was covered in blood and infection. When I told my Dr, he said – you have to have the new new implants removed, and so I had my SECOND double mastectomy. I am sure many of you wonder what a dub mast (or as I say, dude boobs) look like – so here you go….

STOP HERE IF YOU DON’T WANT VISUAL——

 

 

 

I am starting over (after ALL of above) to ground zero on my reconstructive surgeries. That’s adding a year to my whole cancer process. Shit, at this point, I am going to be 5 years cancer free before my reconstructive is complete.

Anyway, above pic is me holding my drains with a wannabe ponytail because my hair hasn’t grown back from chemo. I try to stay so positive about this experience. But, Lord, help me. I am running out of positivity and strength. Who gets TWO double mastectomies? What are the odds of getting cancer in my case anyway? Who gets VIBRIO (out of all things) in their implants?

You would think I must have awful karma. You would think I must be super awful to everyone I meet. But I don’t *think* I am. Why do I keep having this bad luck? Don’t get it.  What do I need to learn? Am I missing something? So many questions and nothing but more pain and more surgeries and more immune problems from those, thus more sickness. I just want things to go smoothly! What do I need to do for things to go smoothly?! I wish there was an easy guideline to follow. But since there isn’t, I must continue to be strong, let bad news roll off my back, stay focused on the positive…My mantras are starting to lose their impact though. I am tired. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being sick. I am tired of bed rest. I just want to feel normal!!!

My brother came over today. He helped change my gauze from my drains and helped wrap me back up (pressure on the dub mast so no fluid buildup) and in the middle of it, he said “If it makes you feel better, at least you didn’t cut your finger.” (He cut his finger on a bottle a few weeks ago.) For real?! Are you really going to compare a cut finger to a second double mastectomy? I can’t even remember how many surgeries I have had in the last few years, but “at least I didn’t cut my finger open on a bottle.”

I know he didn’t say that to hurt my feelings or anything. But it did remind me why I stay so strong and I try not to bitch. There are so many other people out there who have it way worse; who would view my circumstance as the “cut finger” in comparison to theirs.

I am sorry I am babbling. I know there’s no flow to this story. I just needed to get it all off my chest.

 

 

Update

Got some not so good news last week. I have osteoporosis in my left hip and my lower spine and I have to completely redo my reconstructive surgery. I have been real from the get-go, and I am not stopping now – so either stop reading, or here we go …. I will lose my last REAL nipple in this new reconstructive procedure and will have drains in again for at least 2 weeks. Drains are like tentacles that come from your boobs like an underwire part of an underwire bra but they h…ave balloons on the end that collects blood/fluid. They have a little flip top on them like some water bottles and you have to drain out all the fluid – measure it – and show your measurements to the surgeon at post-op. Last time, I was supposed to have drains for 2 weeks and I had them for 6. When I was talking to my #ATLMoCs, I said, “I think once you have cancer, it’s like a shadow. It really never goes away.” At the time I first thought that, I was thinking as much as you don’t want to be defined by something, the reality it is that those definitions still follow you. And now I am wondering, cancer itself never stops following you either. My girlfriend (who is also a young woman) is having identical issues.
…..On the flip side, Barbie seems to be doing really well for herself, and she doesn’t have nipples. And it can always be worse. I truly believe that. …But I wouldn’t mind having a break for a couple years of some easy livin’ either.

Quick Update

I am feeling quite emotional tonight. I normally write to you when I am feeling very strong, which is most of the time, fortunately, but I also want you to see at my weakness. If you’re reading this, you probably have cancer too and are probably experiencing the same flows of positive and negative emotions as I am.

This (as pretty as anyone can picture it) is not an easy journey. For me, most people are diagnosed with the kind of cancer I have 20-30 years after my age. So, for my cancer and at the age I have it, my concerns are different – I can never have children. I am menopausal at 30 yrs old. It’s not just the cancer I have to deal with. It’s never being a mom. Having hot flashes out the rear end 20 years before I am supposed to. Having no hair – and Lord knows when I expected that one to come around – but it sure wasn’t in the next few years. Being tired like I am. I have to worry about osteoporosis or osteopenia. My boobs have been sliced and diced – I look like Frankenstein. I feel like two giant aliens live in my body – implants are NOT what they are sold to be, so if you’re consciously making the choice to have implants PLEASE talk to me first! There’s nothing like your real boobs.

*sigh* There is no way for me to relay to you, your family, or any family googling this, about what a young girl is going through with advanced breast cancer. It IS heartbreaking. And while we are probably the toughest Badasses that you know,  we have our moments of weakness too. Just support us and love us. XOXO

Mindfucking Yourself

Yep, I said it-mindfuck yourself. I think it can be one of your biggest tools against cancer.
You tell yourself:
“oh chemo is no biggie. It’s just another cold or flu I have”
“I have cancer because I saved someone else from having cancer. I’d rather it be me than someone who has kids or someone who can’t handle it. ”
“Losing my hair isn’t a big deal. My eyelashes and eyebrows and even my hair – I can fake that. And, hey, now I don’t have to shave”
“This pain is temporary but it’s showing who my true friends are-that saves me from pain in the future by losing fake friends”
“Worse could happen – and it can. I should be thankful for what I have”
“Appreciating life and the lil things is what this is showing me”
So I reckon not all of this a mindfuck. A lot of it is true and something I genuinely believe in.
Whether you have to mindfuck yourself or focus on the positive or focus on your faith -whatever it is – it got me through. It can get you through too. Just don’t ever stop fighting.
When that “cold or flu” comes around, you act like it is a cold or flu. You fight. You focus on the positive. You KNOW you will get through it. You gain strength from your true friends and your faith. And when you know a new “cold or flu” is coming around, you gather up all your energy. You make the most of the next 2 days. You appreciate every moment. You create special moments. And those special moments will get you through the next “cold or flu”. And you just have to lather, rinse, and repeat.

Ps sorry for all the typos. Did this on my phone since I no longer have a laptop. 😉